Blues

I have done a lot of reading in the last two days. Most of my classmates seem to have a rough draft ready. Some even seem to have begun polishing their fair draft. I haven't begun writing my essay yet. But I think I have a fair idea of what I want in my essay. Every time I get jittery about my essay, I think of her. I hate her really. But I know I will do it well. I am passionate about what I am going to write about. I will be fine. I can write. I have no block. I did well last time. I can do well this time too. I don't care about what others have written. I will be fine. I don't like comparing and contrasting. I will do my work at my own pace and I will be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine. I have been pleased with myself for all the work I have done in the past 2 days. It doesn't matter if you read for a month or you read for a day. What goes into your essay ultimately needs you to use your head. I think I can. I will be fine.

I have been ignoring my Spanish homework for sometime now. Somehow I don't feel as motivated enough to work on my Spanish coursework. I signed up for the fast-track Spanish course because I remember being super-enthusiastic about my French coursework. I spent six hours every weekend in Bangalore studying French. Saturday 2pm - 5pm and Sunday 9am - 12pm. It required a lot of effort. Especially after all the traveling I had to do just to get to and from work during the week.

But yes, I did it well. I was the second best in my class. There was another girl who sat next to me. I can't remember her name anymore. But she was the best. I scored a 9.25 in my final speaking test.

But I can't do the same with Spanish. If I start doing it, I know I will do it well. But I just can't seem to start. My mother encouraged me to take Spanish. Language gives joy and pleasure, she said. And she is right.

Did I do French so well because of ego? Is this why I lack motivation now? Did I want to satiate my burning rage and anger by doing the language well? Do I require that kind of external stimulus to constantly keep me going? Do I need anger to fuel me and motivate me in life? I certainly have more time now than I did when I was learning French.

Sometimes I just want to shake myself up. I want to throw away all the bitterness. Is this normal? Or is it not? Am I not capable of doing anything for myself? Do I always have to do things to prove how awesome I am to someone else? What is this obsession with wanting to make someone feel something through my actions? Did I do well in French because I wanted this someone to feel small? To feel useless and worthless? I shudder to think that it could've been that way. I wish I had some control over these things.

Now that this person has ceased to exist in my horizon, I don't really care anymore. Is this what it is? Or maybe I am just plain lazy. I am not that evil after all. Or is that feeling even evil? Maybe everyone feels this way at some point. Maybe I am just drawing random co-relations.

I haven't done my Spanish coursework. I am contemplating skipping today's class. I shouldn't. It is expensive.

I want to do so many things. I want to do so many things. But what is stopping me? What's with this whole inner turmoil drama? Get it over with girl. Just shake yourself out of it. You have to go now. You have a seminar in exactly 15 minutes.